Testing

There is a time when we all test the people we love the most. It's not fair and most likely they didn't do anything to deserve it. I sometimes find myself testing those I love at the times I least trust myself. It's like I'm looking for a reason not to trust those I love and have close. When I test people I leave them with no way to win. And I then ask more than they can or should do. I've found that it's part and parcel of my depression and negative self talk. "If I'm not good enough for them and I can prove it then I'm right about my self worth." When I look at my life from that view I realize how many good and real great people I've pushed away. I think I've done that again with someone I don't really want to loose. He is a very important part of who I how I am and I care very deeply for him. He asked me to trust him and I have for years, but when he recently asked I kinda unloaded on him. Then I expected more then he can give back. It's not that he can't give it back, it's more that what he writes only barely touches the depths of his emotions. If we could have talked on the phone or even better in person where his eyes say as much as his voice things would have come out much more differently. I know this yet I held him to a much higher standard then he deserved. What we were talking about was difficult under the best of circumstances but I put impossible terms out there. I wanted more knowing he was giving his all and more!! Did this hurt the friendship.... since he isn't talking with me I think so. But who is at fault??? Me yet I don't know how to fix it other than to to say I'm sorry and ask for another chance. I'm not sure I deserve it and I know I've said Way too much but hopefully he will find his way to take the time to read this post and accept that I too make horrible mistakes and get scared and push everyone away in my own way. If he does I hope he remembers that I do love him and would never hurt him on purpose as I know that of him. You know who you are and have all my love and hugs forever...................... miss You.......... I'm sorry! -Babe